My Book Of Life #NishaJamVwal

Life is about GoingOn
Regardless!
Ask Me, I Know...
It busts your chops
But
It picks up somewhere along the way
& you don't even know when & how it happened
But you're sort of in the game
Getting the plot
& cracking the code
Somehow
Someday

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Love & Lovers! Should There Be Rules To Relationships?

HOW TO MAKE. A WIN-WIN WAR

Matchy-match, rules and regulations, discipline- these were things for the older brigade. Growing up I never felt that one should adhere to any regimen or rules. 

Infact I nearly bucked at the thought of such shackles in my life. And yet when I grew up into life’s challenges I realized how valuable it is to work by some basic principles like setting out some guidelines when entering a relationship.

Lovers tiffs, husband- wife spats, mother-daughter quarrels father-son battles or sibling ferocity! Some of the most love-laden relationships as these are, we all know. But we also know that these are also dotted with the most painful and hurtful moments, albeit often very transient. When they happen, good sense seems to have completely fled out of the window. 

The environs are struck as if by thunder and lightning.  Attacks, allegations, bruising words, ego clashes and even temporarily the desire to demolish the other, reign rampant, leaving in their wake tears bruised psyches and wounded souls.  Sometimes the outcome may be enduring or even permanently disruptive. After the winds have blown their course, anger does dissolve and the ego does float back to its accustomed seat. Incredible as it might have seemed, love, hopefully, once more prevails

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Date Night

Date Night

Maybe it was a statement that a friend made- she was surprised at a couple phoning each other during day. Or snide behind -the back comments that I overheard about a couple intimately dining together- 

"Maybe they don't have friends? Or then they surely lack an adequate social circle."

 Is it too extraordinary then to go on a date after you get hitched or married? I mean what happened to all the love and intimacy of the run-up to marriage? It happens to an extent  (but not hundred percent) in the Indian context where earlier generations viewed marriage as bringing up children and attending to material advance and serious family business, wary of the lighter aspects. Perhaps the times demanded it. 

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Understanding Misunderstanding!!!

We seemed to disagree on most things and I would never have believed that we’d be friends one day. 




Some relationships are just so full of misunderstandings and this was one such interaction. From the time I met Feroza it had been one thing after another. And yet after a few years I found we had a kindov good understanding and got along without a glitch. I surprised myself and set thinking about how this had happened and what had transpired. Wasn't it true that either there was a chemistry or then there were people you just kept away from because there seemed to be miscommunication and lack of a synchronicity? How wrong I was. 

The Social Thing- of handbags & diamonds

‘A Social Cause’

There are sniggers in the kitchen ~ " bahot comedy hota hai jab bhi Madam party se wapis aata hai , Saab to chuha ka mafik newspaper ka peechhey chhup kar baith gayaa hai!" ~ Rosie's merriment would have increased vastly, had she viewed Madam Dudlani fuming smoke from her ears and jiggling her prosperity-laden love handles in frustrated fury! Their entire NY luxury trip had lost its flavor.  

The evening had turned a painful 'flop'!  She'd waved her hands in all variety of dance 'mudras' to display the rock sized adornment on her finger, with mention of "Tiffany" at every drop of a sentence, the applause and envy she'd dreamed of had been rudely upstaged by Silky Sood’s new silver-mauve acquisition glinting brazenly in the drive. She couldn't pronounce 'Lamborghini' but had that stopped her from tom-tomming reference to the cussed object? The Dudlani's evening had turned murkily sour! Paul the driver summed up the evening –"Aapan-log much jolly! Ek Sunday mutton curry, ek Sunday chicken curry, ek Sunday fish curry, ek Sunday 'aeig'-curry, phir salary- day and 'fiqar-not' ka bottle! Kamti paisa, kamti tension!"

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To Marry Or Not Marry Is the Question Raageshwari tells us All About Marriage!

Love, Marriage, Making A Home! Raageshwari share's what it Is Like To Take The Plunge Much Later In Life
There's Hope For All Of You Who're Picky....

We had nearly given up on Raageshwari. It was so many years and she didn't look like she was in a hurry to get married, and wasn't getting any younger as you can imagine. It’s also sometimes a little tough to be a girl in India, I mean there is pressure to marry early and how do you hold out until you’re certain you wish to walk the aisle? These were my thoughts as I reminisced the days before she had met her beau, as I sat in the 'pandal' (the wedding canopy) looking at Sudhanshu and Raageshwari. 

They looked into each other’s eyes dreamily while doing the phera’s- the wedding ceremony- at some two in the morning. We were throwing flowers on the couple, and I was trying to calculate Rag’s age, 40 something I was guessing? So quite obviously there was pressure to walk the aisle?

Today, happily married, sipping tea in her swanky London apartment Raag's shares “I always truly took pressure very lovingly as I know that the thought is well intended. I took relationships very seriously and knew in my heart that I will surely find someone who will synergise with my sensibilities.”

“It’s interesting that I participated in Bigg Boss to give a boost to my career (Or so I thought) And as fate would have it, my email and phone was flooded only with marriage proposals. So I’m glad that people wanted me to get married and thought I’d make a good wife. Now I’m happy to be The MRS !!”

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Parineeti Chopra's Musings on Loneliness, Love, Companionship & Bollywood!

Working Out Loneliness 

With Parineeti Chopra 

I've always enjoyed the absolutely candid Parineeti Chopra, her joie de vivre, her artless sex appeal, her straight up dialogue delivery. Nearly as if she was speaking in a real life situation in front of me. Her sense of fun & comic timing I find the most attractive. I really felt she had it all, looks, humor and success. But looks can be deceptive isn't it?.............................

Parineeti Chopra’s raw, vulnerable appeal is not a put on charade, it is real. She's just what you see. No hidden meanings, no pretense, no affectations. If I was a man, I'd be in love!  I am completely taken aback- in a nice way-at her disarmingly candid admissions. She's absolutely honest when she confides about life being a tough game of survival- survival in the big bad transnational Bombay and loneliness. On her advise of how a young beautiful girl can survive through a city where loyalty, trust, camaraderie are soon to be relegated to the dinosaur age?

"Two years of surviving alone taught me to be detached and develop mental strength.”

Parineeti is now adroit at her survival tricks that didnt come easily, and it took a little knocking around to figure out the ropes- “ I recommend  you harden your skin to unnecessary criticism that can also be malicious if you have to survive and succeed in this city. I was most lost and unused to the harsh words when I was new. It used to bog me down. Now I'm learning the art of survival."

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Women Who Fake It

My good friend recently posted a very relevant post on Facebook. Newly married- this ex television VJ unravelled a cornucopia of knowledge about what a woman feels a man desires in her own mind and what he actually gets attracted to in a relationship is very very different.

Women work so hard for big hairdos, lots of makeup, big platform shoes, and expensive accessories, spending hours dressing up for that special man. They crave flamboyant accessories like handbags, which are actually a great put off in a relationship. Men find this superficial and frivolous. The bag, overdone shoes, bling belt, short micro mini and big cleavage only makes a lady look too overstated and ‘branded’.  It is instead most desirable to retain that fragrant simplicity, humour and conversation and let the chemistry and attraction take its course. I’ve always felt and it’s been discovered by me over the years that I’m right about men. They most definitely do not find layers of makeup or layers of artifice fetching. Artless, unpretentious and spontaneous is most gorgeous to a man and allows the relationship to proceed on real and natural footing. 

Loading up on brands and make up can work in the opposite way in fact. Just like women are put off by boastful, braggarts in men, because women also enjoy relaxed, unaffected and open men in the dating and mating journey.  More importantly, a partner who is attracted by brands and superficialities is also not the right person to look out for, because their priorities are not you but the wealth you own. So on all counts I’d go with the sincere unpretentious person for a date over the candidate who shouts feigned contrived and hollow over  a real person of integrity and worthiness.

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Dealing With Disillusionment & Disappointment

"Poetry and light come from challenging situations

To be smarter and deeper we go through tests! 

Disillusionment is ok

- flawed humans become exceptional with strife, trial and coming through tough times! " Nisha JamVwal

Going through a tough relationship, difficult times, harsh words is very painful, and one feels wrenched. 

Yes I know, when we go through hell and back, it does not feel like the time to hear philosophy. We feel terrible and nothing anyone might learnedly espouse works. Infact long lectures make you feel worse. You need space. Life seems awful and you feel like socking anyone who decides to be holier than thou -giving you all this lofty advice.

 It is my opinion, after going through trials and troughs myself that life is like school. We come into the world to grow and deal and become into better human beings and this can only happen when we pass though troubled moments. Most painful of these being not physical pain but issues that stem from painful relationships with lovers, parents, friends and siblings. Most people do go through ups and downs in relationships, loss and pain. The smarter ones learn and grow from the strife.  

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Bollywood Actor Arjun Kapoor's Journey toward Stardom

He may look like just another ‘star’ actor in the making, smart, handsome, successful and fighting the fight- to make it in the tough, competitive, cut throat world of Bollywood, but that is just a case in point to show that appearances can be deceptive.

It seems like yesterday when I sat with good friend Mona Kapoor, wife of producer Boney Kapoor of ‘Mr India’ fame. Boney had walked out on wife Mona to be with his lady love Sridevi, infront of the whole world. Mona was sad but holding it together for her shy little kids. A young, introverted, quite obese boy walked into the room, mumbled something, slinked out of the room. He was awkward and grew up to be a slightly under-confident teenager at hundred and forty kilos- stroppy and hiding the pain of a father leaving home and going away with actor Sridevi. In the earlier years his parent’s quarrels had frightened him and it all turned out to create an intense, silent boy who is today power house performer Arjun Kapoor. Channelizing all that past angst into powerful performances that can leave audiences spellbound.

Trained in his skills, conversant with the fight and dance requirements of ‘Bollywood’ , disciplined, hardworking and able to project the right image -Arjun delivered three hits first shot with Ishaqzaade, Two States and Gunday. 

Aurenzeb got him critical acclaim and even though it did not set the box office on fire his performance had his characteristic stamp of nonchalant passion got noticed. The unfaltering fiery reckless stamp of acting he has developed comes from all the emotion and life experience that exist just below the surface. I watch with interest this powerful, unassuming performer, who chats candidly, unemotionally about matters of the heart –painful and past.

“However healthy it is to cry and vent pain, not everyone is able to let it all out, but we find solutions in our own way. It is important to make one’s peace and find a positive outlet to pain” he shares.

 Just days before the premier of his first film Ishaqzade, which Mona had looked forward to so longingly- her now slim, tall, macho son would fire up the screen and all those years of hurt and trial would fade into oblivion – she gave into her fight with cancer.  In life, some are dealt more difficult a hand than others. Being an intense and silent young man, Arjun candidly admits that the pain was so deep and yet he was unable to cry. 

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Manisha Koirala on #Life, #Relationships, #Marriage & Internal Growth

 MANISHA KOIRALA ON LOVE, LIFE, PRAYER, THE ETERNAL SEARCH & SURVIVAL

A few days ago at lunch with a friend, I noticed how my friend teased her tiny little daughter about her wedding one day -when she’d grow up. The little child delightedly beamed.

A girl’s marriage is a monumental life event, especially in India. Dont ask me why.. I definitely don't agree, its just the way it is, especially in India. - It’s nearly as if her whole life until that red letter day is a preparation for finding the right man, choosing from among friends and acquaintances and then the actual act of marrying him.

 Less so in this day and age maybe, but definitely one of the most important happenings in a girl’s life. This is what actor, confidant and dear friend Manisha Koirala and I discussed over a coffee yesterday when she revealed that this very quest for a soul mate unraveled some unvisited, rare areas of her own personal journey and realities about her own self to her. I realized post my chat that Manisha is even more lovely within, which is what I've known for a long time, but moreso after I heard what she had to say. 

Manisha’s eyes, reflective pools of myriad expression speak to me as she shares “My search for my soul mate led me to myself. When I was young, I was commitment phobic and as time passed by I grew more curious about my purpose. As work lessened and I had more time to think, I saw most of my friends and family happily married, nurturing and growing up their kids.

There was this increasing insecurity of landing up all alone in my old age.

No husband, no children, no grandchildren!

Until the time that I realized there may be no tomorrow. I was told I had cancer.”

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TROUBLED MARRIAGES ARE BEST GIVEN A MISS SOMETIMES

A childhood friend who got married before any of us friends within our school batch,  seemed to be having some marital problems fairly early on in her relationship. Her parents urged the couple to go in for marriage counselling. Teething problems we all thought. And yet somewhere some instinct had told me it ran deeper. They patched it up- to the relief of the parents -who were very keen not to cut a sorry figure in their ‘community’. A brood of kids followed and all seemed okay until recently many years down the line I received a cryptic message about ‘being treated like a maid’ and verbal and mental abuse. I was shocked. Nothing had changed? She was the passive suffering victim of violence through all these precious years?

Often the woman in a marriage is ridden rough shod upon because she is not the bread winner and the contribution she makes in terms of cooking, cleaning and generally being the ‘fall guy’ for kids, in-laws and family is taken very much for granted. There is no value for the sacrifices she has made and her husband is oblivious to her needs and desires. He feels that any kindness ‘bestowed’ upon her is a favor.

I recognized this from the experiences of many friends from school and college who got married to dominating men that wanted a ‘housewife’ to keep home and hearth. The statistic is higher when women give themselves up headlong into the chores of marriage -giving up all financial independence and cutting down drastically on personal pursuits of happiness. 

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Cheating In Marriage #NishajamVwal

Some time ago a friend nonchalantly claimed "boys will be boys" when referring to her husbands indiscretions. Her husband, happy to oblige, had through the marriage been enjoying parallel relationships while she reared the kids, did the laundry and the housekeeping. 

I definitely take issue with this seemingly harmless arrangement. You might ask that if it works for them why should I be having a problem? Don't get me wrong, I'm no feverish feminist, but I definitely feel strongly about integrity and loyalty. And more importantly about it being the prerogative of a man to be the 'boy', justifying the 'boys will be boys' 'sentiment'.

Let me here go to the very beginning. I went to Loretto Convent and we were taught that 

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Vikas Bahl Director Of Queen Speaks On Life, Love, Sex, Marriage & Kangana Ranaut

Take the Leap of Faith & Follow Your Heart

“Forgiveness is unlocking the door to set someone free & realizing that you were the prisoner” an opening statement he makes at our tete a tete that comes through in Vikas Bahl’s latest film ‘Queen’. Yes, we’re all curious about the man who has conveyed so many resonant messages through his film. & Won innumerable awards at this years Film Fare Awards night.

What a riotous film, and yet without being preachy, with uproarious funny moments -a film that does not try to talk down to you, but takes you on a euphoric thrilling journey and yet conveys so many important messages. I've loved it but so have the critics. An important film of our times.

The beauty remains in the fact that the film carries you with it, not attempting to teach to improve anyone. Vikas was just sharing his funda of life artlessly, while telling his beguiling story hilariously. 

What comes across to me most resonantly is that one just has to take the leap of faith and follow one’s heart. And if you don’t, then life’s greatest calamities, or what we view as calamities are actually that prod that throw us out of comfort zones and make us reconsider our lives and take the plunge into adventure, living, experiencing and being our true selves.

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A lasting Romance & A Long Innings!

Made-For-Each-Other

SC Vasudeva & Aruna Vasudeva

He was in his later seventies and she was somewhat younger. They came hand in hand, no overt pretence but genuine concern and absorbed in each other. He had come to buy her a bracelet, at a trunk show I was hosting for the luxury jewelry brand I endorse. 

I was riveted. A  wedding anniversary of over fifty years, and so much love and companionship. Mr & Mrs Vasudeva- I met them over coffee through the afternoon-had gone out for a tête-à-tête lunch, a walk down Delhi’s verdant Lodi gardens, and then a ‘little’ token for her. 

They chose the bracelet together, chose it with some discussion and loving collaboration.  It was a revelation to see that not only can relationships have such longevity but with such mutual respect, love and sense of companionship.

A refreshing change from the short lived marriages of today wouldn't you say?  Where at the first sign of a hiccough or discord you hear 'it's not working', 'I don't think I can take this anymore'. 

I see around me so many marriages crumbling apart, that had come together with such élan. Just recently I specifically noticed Mohammad Azharuddin looking so melancholy and solitary in the audience, while I compered a show. His marriage to Sangeeta Bijlani had crumbled even though he had got together with her after divorcing his first wife Naureen.

Some relationships that were expected to be everlasting did not turn out that way, and one such 

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Sex & The Single Woman

Sex, Relationships sans Marriage & No Srings Attached

@nishjamvwal

The Film ‘Queen’, is one of the more sparkling, endearing Bollywood films I’ve seen of late, and Actor Kangana Ranaut as the gullible or provincial hick from Delhi, unexposed and big eyed about all things ‘cool’, trendy and sexy is beguiling. Especially when the Italian hunk in the film asks her to prove that Indians kiss better than Italians. Dumped at the alter by her fiancée Kangana as the film’s ‘Rani’ is on her ‘honeymoon’ alone to find herself adventure. 

The film while delightful, brings to the fore questions about the new age single women, the importance of exploring oneself, the stifling nature of some intrusive Indian relationships. Ranaut’s self-discovery and her freedom prove that it is no longer the desperate need for a woman to be hitched to find happiness. Quite the opposite. She should not even need the institution of marriage to fulfil her need for physical connect and sex? 

  

Sex and the single woman has been a preoccupying thought with ‘new age’ India. West of the archaic Suez Canal there seemed once to be a cloud of horrific implications over a girl letting go of her virginity before marriage. Somehow as soon as you go east the virginity issue becomes a big deal. In India too there still seem to be steeped in the loss of virginity phobia. 

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