Thursday, March 31, 2011


Instant Coffee In Internet Age of Instant Love

"Keep your eyes upon me, keep me in your sight,
Help me don the crooked road, lead me to the light.
The road I'm on is crooked & shrewd, I'm not sure if I know the way,
Yet with You right beside me,
so that I won't stray.
Protect me from the 'agenda' world,
I know I'll make it through,
Give me more strength I need it....
Let me lean on you."

In an age of instant coffee, instant internet, instant popcorn here we are seeking instant gratification in instant love..........................

.........we just tend to bumble and stumble into a relationship without becoming friends, without looking at whether there is a ‘fit’, whether there is a rapport – we’re just looking at filling that gaping lacuna that hours of being lonely internet junkies bring.

The film 'Love Aaj Kal' so aptly shows that  couples these days try to make themselves believe attraction is love, or love is just an infatuation that goes away with time and that there is no such thing as "true love" or "soulmate". 

Deepika Padukone and Saif Ali Khan hold their feeling in their hearts even though they still love each other with a passion because real love is nearly 'uncool'.

They say one of the greatest causes of depression today are these hours alone on the internet. We’re just waiting to fall in love and so the first half decent partner candidate that comes along we go overlooking all the pits and flaws. Mentally dancing into a situation idyllic in that dream bubble we imagined, so like the Indian Bollywood song sequences,

that the warning signals of disaster are completely overlooked. And love , sex, arguments and imminent break ups just happen in that blink of an eye that in the yesteryear took decades to achieve. Such are the by-products of instancy....

So strong is the desire to be in a state of romance and love that at that moment all analysis and vision is blurred and all the warning signals of disaster are quashed and justified in the mind.

A Viveka Bhabajee was not crazy, I knew her well. She symptomizes a person looking for that love and belonging we all need. All in the period of three months it was literally ‘over’. Perhaps to more of an extreme but the upshot of disappointment was devastating.

A lot of people are afraid to tell the truth to themselves.

That's where toughness comes into play. Lets not justify a partners tendency to be unreasonable. Toughness is not being a bully and shouting hoarse all the ‘f’and ‘b’ words. 

Toughness is the strength and backbone to communicate, sort and acknowledge mistakes, and to not betray confidences whatever the provocation! To talk , talk, talk it through. To work with love and not with aggression. Did aggression ever solve anything?

Look out for all the signals of abuse and aggression of the negative kind in a man especially. And look for a person with consistency, reliability, honesty and introspection. Goodness, compassion, kindness, nobility of spirit and generosity are not obsolete words from a Jane Austen novel. A stingy man will eventually be stingy with even loving and caring. He is bound to be an agenda jerk looking to use a partner for material gain and benefits. A giver is that person who has a big heart in everything. A person you can entrust yourself with.

The trick is in what one emphasizes in our minds. And always remember, the true fabric of a person can be seen in those tough times and arguments. He who is guttural in those difficult moments is only masquerading a facade , a veneer of good behavior carefully arranged upon underlying manipulation, violence, exploitation or even physical ill treatment.

And in this age of instancy even breakups are instant. Gone is the desire to work it, create the fit, talk about it and grow together. No more the urgency to make good all the of time and energy that went into the love song and dance sequence, but to just ‘cop out’ and look for greener pastures. No more the loyalty to live through the ups and downs holding hands until 'death do us apart'.

And in the aftermath we either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves strong. The amount of work is the same.
And you're better off with yourself than miserable with a bad choice!

Tough times may not always build character. But definitely do reveal it.

As appeared in my Asian Age/ Deccan Chronicle Weekly Relationship Column by Nisha JamVwal


Nisha is a celebrity columnist and a luxury brand consultant

Tweet Nisha at @nishjamvwal


MuMuGB said...

What a lovely column Nisha! I can't wait to read more. Very wise advice and well done for explaining that it takes a long time to build a relationship!


Dear M, Relationships are the most enriching of all gifts by god, and
we tend to often make it our last priority in the rush to achieve other
goals in our life!

Sanjib Mohapatro said...

Seems like we have very similar thought process. You had rightly mentioned. I am glad that I could read your blog and find someone who thinks like me. But again, if you are hurt in a relationship, don't you think it makes sense to take recluse in work/other goals. I find when you are searching for that special someone you rarely find her..So I think it is good to work on your goals, yet be open to coming across that special someone..Otherwise you would seem very desperate and that turns off many.


@Sanjib I really do believe what you say is true, work goals and occupation are very fulfilling and ensure that you dont go for the half decent person you are attracted to, but explore, explore, explore until you are sure you are happy with the match and can enjoy some moments of mutual love and respect. And yes I do believe love is important in an equation!

Nisha JamVwal Roller Coaster Called Life