Tuesday, June 2, 2015

Understanding Misunderstanding!!!

We seemed to disagree on most things and I would never have believed that we’d be friends one day. 

Some relationships are just so full of misunderstandings and this was one such interaction. From the time I met Feroza it had been one thing after another. And yet after a few years I found we had a kindov good understanding and got along without a glitch. I surprised myself and set thinking about how this had happened and what had transpired. Wasn't it true that either there was a chemistry or then there were people you just kept away from because there seemed to be miscommunication and lack of a synchronicity? How wrong I was. 

For me this proved to be a great example that when a relationship weathers the ups and downs, whether it’s a lover, sibling or a friend, it in fact becomes seasoned. You understand each other better and grow closer  with the good and the bad warts and all. None of us is perfect, and it’s the imperfections that have to appeal to a friend, partner, parent and sibling for a relationship to work and grow beyond the ups and downs. An interesting revelation wouldn't you say?

The first thing you have to take into consideration when any relationship is growing is that misunderstandings are part of any interface. Everyone has such different inputs and resultant perceptions. To understand what is causing the problems and why there are issues is the start point of solving complications. It is not healthy to negate your part in the deal. Complications rise from both ends and to recognize them is the establishment of resonance, dealing and growth.

It is escapist to shut out people and shut out a glitch when there is investment, time and significant connections in place because you are too weak to confront a tricky miscommunication. There is comfort and strength in long term relationships and they also make you a person who capable of weathering storms. You come out stronger - a winner. Running away from all complications and situations, serially dumping friends, partners, and business colleagues at the slightest sign of misunderstanding or strife is a sign of weakness and juvenile behavior.

Communication plays an important role in working things out where there are teething problems in new marriages, workplace relationships or then even new friendships.
Let me tell you that when there is an exchange of thoughts, when you talk and share personal hurt and miscommunication things become lucid to both concerned. I’ll let you into a personal secret, I almost always set simple rules when chatting through an uncomfortable situation. For starters I insist that both of us who are trying to work out a knotty situation sit uninterrupted without phones and other disturbances. Neither is allowed to raise voices. When one speaks the other is not allowed to interrupt. 

 I must say rules when set to improve a relationship- upon oneself and the other person in the relationship-and then adhered to by both- work magically. It’s also very important that you don’t second guess and try to figure out what the other person is thinking or ‘trying to say’. Hear carefully and ask if you don’t understand. Mind reading is dangerous. Thirdly, making your needs and desires clear without resentment but with clarity of how you wish things to be in a reasonable approach and pleasant voice creates understanding and bonding. You are responsible to yourself and your friend, partner or parent to make your desires known and to learn the wishes and desires of your friend, partner or colleague.

On the other hand, losing your shirt, getting annoyed and saying whatever comes to your mind is not at all advisable. Always choose a time when you are feeling calm, equanimous and reasonable.

It’s always wise to choose the words you use in moments of solving a problem and meeting to sort out a misconstruction, rather than running away with yourself. 

There is some truth to the quote ‘words are like arrows, once loosed you cannot call them back’- so while you can apologize, it’s better to be mindful and tread carefully in already shaky ground. I’d recommend against pushing the envelope. On the other hand silence and shutting each other out is not a solution. Nor burying the problem as it escalates and comes out later, sometimes bigger than when it began.

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Nisha JamVwal is a celebrity columnist and a brand consultant 

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