A childhood friend who got married before any of us
friends within our school batch, seemed
to be having some marital problems fairly early on in her relationship. Her
parents urged the couple to go in for marriage counselling. Teething problems
we all thought. And yet somewhere some instinct had told me it ran deeper. They
patched it up- to the relief of the parents -who were very keen not to cut a
sorry figure in their ‘community’. A brood of kids followed and all seemed okay
until recently many years down the line I received a cryptic message about
‘being treated like a maid’ and verbal and mental abuse. I was shocked. Nothing
had changed? She was the passive suffering victim of violence through all these
precious years?
Often the woman in a marriage is ridden rough shod
upon because she is not the bread winner and the contribution she makes in
terms of cooking, cleaning and generally being the ‘fall guy’ for kids, in-laws
and family is taken very much for granted. There is no value for the sacrifices
she has made and her husband is oblivious to her needs and desires. He feels
that any kindness ‘bestowed’ upon her is a favor.
I recognized this from the experiences of many
friends from school and college who got married to dominating men that wanted a
‘housewife’ to keep home and hearth. The statistic is higher when women give themselves
up headlong into the chores of marriage -giving up all financial independence
and cutting down drastically on personal pursuits of happiness. 
Now don’t get
me wrong, I am definitely not advocating a ‘burn the bra’ feminism and
aggression of ‘I, me, myself’. Nor am I
saying that sacrifices are wrong and marriage is a write-off. All I’m saying is
get a life. A life with some personal space, diversions and hobbies with
friends and preferably some financial independence that gives you a feeling of liberation
and self-reliance. 
Coming back to my friend, a man who is mentally
abusive and controlling may not change easily, especially if he hasn't in a
long time. I realized that the ‘patch-up’ compromise orchestrated back then was
all about her giving up her voice, her dreams, her space and towing the line
all the way. Writing off her life and saying her kids will be the passage to
existence. Now is this not the exact formula for frustration, anger, bitterness
and then much pain when your son goes and gets himself a life and a wife (which
may not necessarily include you)? And even if it does, it will not be a
twenty-four-seven thing?
There is a quote that makes much sense to me, about
life being the real thing, not a rehearsal. You are not in a waiting room, in
an endless wait to live your dreams and reality. The time is now. When you are
miserable and unhappy, no one gives you an award you for your pain.
Don’t keep
expecting that one day a miracle will change your husband, and don’t live in
denial of the relationship that leaves you un-empowered, because that is an
escapist attitude. Better to get out and find happiness, with or without a
spouse- better late than never. If something hasn’t worked for twenty odd
years, despite all that you've done to work it, then chances are it won’t take
off now. Clinging on to a comfort zone is just a way of procrastinating life. Why
not just make the tough choice of living alone than living in subjugated misery
where your rights as an individual are violated and you are always at a
disadvantage? Excessive financial dependency is not a good enough reason,
because the courts of law can give you your rights and respite after many years
of mothering children and going through a marriage of mental stress. 
Now don’t get me wrong, you know that I am one who
advocates working it out and working it through communication, calm and
compassion. Having said that, when something is just giving you unending pain,
lacks mutual respect and is not about healthy enjoyable love that gives you
pleasure both mental and physical- then compromise is not getting you anywhere.
And no, you cannot live through your kids, or their wives for that matter? Rumors suggest that Aishwarya Rai seems to be bucking against the said controlling
interfering behavior of her mother-in-law Jaya Bachchan. Yukta Mukhey has walked
out of a marriage where she felt exploited and is feeling greatly relieved
alone than with a man whom she felt ill treated by . I could cite many examples
of women who chose a harder single existence than a miserable married life of
material comfort. 
@nishjamvwal
Nisha JamVwal is a celebrity columnist &
prolific writer, apart from being a luxury brand consultant & designer.
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