Wednesday, April 23, 2014

A lasting Romance & A Long Innings!


Made-For-Each-Other
SC Vasudeva & Aruna Vasudeva



He was in his later seventies and she was somewhat younger. They came hand in hand, no overt pretence but genuine concern and absorbed in each other. He had come to buy her a bracelet, at a trunk show I was hosting for the luxury jewelry brand I endorse. 

I was riveted. A  wedding anniversary of over fifty years, and so much love and companionship. Mr & Mrs Vasudeva- I met them over coffee through the afternoon-had gone out for a tête-à-tête lunch, a walk down Delhi’s verdant Lodi gardens, and then a ‘little’ token for her. 
They chose the bracelet together, chose it with some discussion and loving collaboration.  It was a revelation to see that not only can relationships have such longevity but with such mutual respect, love and sense of companionship.

A refreshing change from the short lived marriages of today wouldn't you say?  Where at the first sign of a hiccough or discord you hear 'it's not working', 'I don't think I can take this anymore'. 

I see around me so many marriages crumbling apart, that had come together with such élan. Just recently I specifically noticed Mohammad Azharuddin looking so melancholy and solitary in the audience, while I compered a show. His marriage to Sangeeta Bijlani had crumbled even though he had got together with her after divorcing his first wife Naureen.


Some relationships that were expected to be everlasting did not turn out that way, and one such 


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high profile Bollywood relationship that I’d expected to last forever was of childhood sweethearts Aamir Khan and Reena Dutta who were dating since 18 and 20 so that when their sixteen year old marriage came to an end it was a complete shock to all who had seen them together.  

Without getting into why marriages are more short-lived in our times, for now let’s concentrate on how they work for a lifetime. No, I’m not being funny, there certainly are lifelong commitments even today;) My parents still hold hands and go for movie dates alone, preferring not to have company because they enjoy each others company. But then Mr Vasudeva and my parents (albeit younger) belong to another generation where people worked harder at making things work instead of looking for warts and the first exit gate. 

And those kinds of relationships are ultra-special. What then does make a marriage last forever? It’ll take me a book to say all that it would take, but in a nutshell I’d say patience, kindness and a good sex life works magic. 

Believe it or not- a good sense of humour goes a long way.  And then add to it space and respect and voila! You have the magic formula. But seriously, if you look at some very successful marriages, you see a situation where the couple nearly always speak equanimously to each other, especially in the presence of others. Nothing is more humiliating than to denigrate each other publically.


 The physical aspect cannot be ignored, and you just have to be cognizant of your spouse’s needs, and yours will be met automatically. If for some reason you are feeling dissatisfied, don’t just simmer and churn. Instead communicate, guide, demand gently and lovingly. Marriage is not an excuse for being indolent sexually and inattentive about your performance. It’s quite the opposite. You must work harder at keeping the spark alive - experiment and enliven your life together. 

Always remember that you are not a nagging parent, but a sexy spouse, meant to delight in the company of your better half. Remember how keen you were to live together until ‘death do you apart’? You don’t want to be an irksome school headmaster or a badgering mother, instead a companion, friend and lover.


In the movie ‘Austenland’ the myth of Darcy is broken and the message of over-romanticizing and expecting hero’s and heroines to appear is not exactly the best way to work a marriage. Elizabeth and Darcy didn’t have to contend with school admissions, ageing parents, cavities and other sundries that come with real life marriage. So the worst thing to do is romanticize and then feel let down.
 
  The best investment you can ever make is to your loved spouse in your marriage. To be there by your spouse and give marriage priority over other work- for the health of your marriage is the way to go. 

To listen when your partner speaks than zone out because you’ve ‘been there don’t that’ with a bored jaded attitude; be helpful, selfless, grateful, thoughtful and a good buddy.
  
These are not old-fashioned obsolete attributes. Trust me when I say that you shall have a winner marriage that will be wonderful not only for you as a couple but your parents, kids , friend circle and generations to follow.



Nisha JamVwal
Tweet @nishjamvwal
Email Nisha at nishsjamvwal@gmail.com




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