Thursday, March 16, 2017

NiceGirls Finish Last !!!

Sugar and Spice and all things Nice?

Recently I came across a case of separation for reasons that were jaw-dropping strange! As I heard out this friend the case got curiouser and curiouser!!  “Rishi, let me get this clear", I asked "You broke up because she was just too darn nice and too much a wifey little thing?" He took great verbosity and some time to get across what seemed an oxymoron when we’re speaking matrimony! "You mean you didn't want a wife who was a good wife candidate?" I asked, understandably befuddled. Between the no-no's and yes yesses and "not like that’s” what I deciphered was that a man can feel differently toward an intended wife and a steady girlfriend.

This difference is the romantically stimulating-desirable girl as opposed to the caring-too-much girl, and the latter in a suffocating kind of way of being fussed upon. I’d never have believed it, but there is a situation where being loved too much can also be a problem!? Seemingly so!
“Listen, there needs to be some fun and flair, and a little playful space. Even uncertainty that makes for pizazz. Quit the blandness lady. I think I prefer celebratory champagne over the goody-goody glass of milk.” Candid he was and it was then that a well-known saying came to my mind- “nice girls finish last’!

Accommodating and most of all that ‘too much of a "wife-thing" and a man can feel like a “dog on a leash!" Which meant -he felt the pressure of being domesticated already. It seemed to even take the edge off from flirtation - the most charming time before being tied down. The very acquiescing, accommodating and agreeing nature of the steady girlfriend even brought blandness to the relationship that made the comparison of milk to a heady whiskey seem apt!

Its quite clear to me now. Man or woman, when fussed upon too much, end up feeling hemmed in by so much over-agreement. It puts them on tenterhooks about doing, saying, suggesting anything. That they are not quite themselves and almost do not enjoy being with their loved ones on a one-to-one. My friend here even seemed to resent the copyrighted smugness that took over with this air at undue domestication. If he was in a group she took on the role of his official hostess and busied about his space.

The spice of a tiff, that thrill of making up after some playful light-heartedness, exciting "hunt", some "chase" that a partner enjoys in the challenge of getting the girl or man is missing!  Of course after marriage the mind-set is familiar and accepting of domesticity to a greater degree. Naturally all these things are individual things, and as they say "one man's food….etc." but one can perhaps understand that anything - even a good thing can be a bit much. As the French say -a bit "de trop".

It's wiser to tread a path where one is not unappreciated for good endeavours and is not taken for granted, or worse resented. Too much of a good thing can be too much. A toss of the coiffured hair and a naughty backward smile- and tell the gent where he gets off. - Way to go girl!! He may even come chasing behind!

At the end I think everyone must be their own self. After all, each relationship is an individual equation and one size certainly doesn’t fit all! If a girl likes being the "wifey" model -sure be that because there's the man out there who will love you for it but remember there are greater chances of being taken for granted if you are too giving without receiving too. The art of being a giver and a taker.

Or as his very married friend added with male sagacity, "’wife’ is the desi daal-chawal we love, but it is too homely before marriage! A flambĂ© sizzler gets the juices flowing!"

How mamma takes to the "sizzler" bit might be another story!

(All incidents quoted are real life experiences & not fictitious.)
Nisha JamVwal
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Sunday, March 5, 2017

When Insecurity Raises Its Ugly Head!

I'm around your side, shall I drop by for a cuppa?" I telephoned my friend in the suburbs?"

Please come soon Nisha!
-I need the company, some advise and the strongly caffeinated cuppa!" She replied. I found her bleary-eyed and disheveled though it was two in the afternoon. "Got to bed at four o' clock. We argued and argued " 
She thought he'd been philandering with that b-----* at that dinner, and he'd been exasperated- placating, reasoning, and finally apologizing so they could ‘kiss and make up’.

They are a contemporary twosome in a live-in relationship. What I learnt was that this sleeping at three and four I the night was a regular feature of their time together. And arguing and fighting? It was not necessarily about perceived roving eyes alone! It could be some small thing that had not been to her expectations or something said that conveyed wrong intent or anything amiss in his demeanor that went contrary to her mood even. I gathered all this, half by her own admission and the rest by insights that didn't need an Hercule Poiret to decipher.

To me she seemed the offending party. She even half-admitted that once she got a bee in her bonnet she just had to get the issue thread-bare even if it took all night! He loved her tenacious persona!  And invariably she had regretted her uncalled for insecurities, tiresome nit-pickings and the waste of entire nights in wearing out to-and-fros of a variety of accusations, fault-findings, and- generally going on and on till he bought peace and a semblance of comforting(?) togetherness. Even if he had to apologize for wrongs not done! She too paid the price with guilt and misgivings that he'd leave her and hate her and what-not!

“But then if you know this, why do you do such self-harming things? I can't seem to understand you?" I reasoned. She wept, "I can't seem to help myself, I think I've got this obsessive compulsive disorder! It certainly seems compulsive!"

I thought she seemed so normal. Maybe she was setting herself in a vicious cycle of guilt and ensuing insecurity and more a "controlling" need than a psychiatric thing. We talked. I asked her why she felt she had to be be "boss-lady" who had to be judgmental on a well-meaning partner.  She seemed to see some point in the observation but came round the circle to "I just seem unable to help myself Nisha, I wish you could be around to tell me to quit , you know. I think if I had someone I believed in around, my sense would not go for a six! Even as I speak, I know what a good thing I've got and how tolerant and loving he is- I want him for keeps -I'm scared I'll drive him away! How long can he endure a harridan?" She hoped they were going to marry eventually.

“Listen” I said, “what's wrong in starting to make things right this minute on?  As for needing someone you believe in around to knock some sense, you know what? You do have someone!" 

"Who?" She asked


Nagging and haranguing is a negative communication pattern that actually becomes the cause of betrayal and infidelity where it does not exist. Women are more prone to it according to statistics and couples actually fall out of love only due to this one ‘pattern’ that a woman takes up mostly because she is conditioned to ‘run’ the home and feels responsible for addressing all issues concerning the partner and home.

On his part the partner can also do his bit but checking his lady, not allowing it to happen, putting his foot down, and if the request is reasonable then acquiesce before it becomes an issue. People respond better to conversation and communication than loud voices and shouting matches. An interesting trick is to write post-its and leave them at strategic places or then email.

At school they had taught us that we have a better self within who tells us ‘Don't cheat!’ When we're about to! Or when we want to go the wrong way!

“Just think what your better self would want you to do when you want to loose it or berate and lecture when you can actually be rational and communicative!-I'm certain it'll make you stop!” I said to my friend.

And indeed I do believe we have that better self than we allow ourselves to believe we do. Pinocchio had his nose to stop him lying! 

I also offered- “either talk the matter with him or get a friend to discuss with both of you if necessary. It may give you such a constructive happy togetherness, after all valuable things need to be taken great care of.

Its not just school-kids who must train to listen to their better selves. We need it too. 
In adult language it translates to our "impulse control mechanism"!

Nisha JamVwal is a Columnist, Designer, Art Curator,  & Brand Consultant.
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