Sunday, September 29, 2013

Love, Sex, Greed & Bitter Break-Up's

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  It all started with passion, love, great sex, parties, lunch, dinner. She was flawed. He proposed, she saw castles and candy and agreed readily. She would rule!


Come the tiny hiccough of a tough patch and what happens? She flies the coup. To the arms and bed of another man who promised 'good-fun' times. 


Yes! Break ups can be greatly ugly, and couples that loved each other 'unto death' become sworn enemies. When my good friend Harish broke up, I found him dignified and silent, and yet his ex-girlfriend went to the ‘marketplace’ -metaphorically shouting intimate details of their break-up to all the friends they had shared- spilling details of give and take, sex life and personal issues that until then were sacrosanct. Or at least so he had believed! 


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To the utter mortification of poor Harish, Anamika just managed to replace what was a wistful, poignant heartbreak with hatred and distaste in his heart. Earlier if there was regret and a sense of loss, it was replaced quite easily now, with relief and gratitude to be rid of the ‘banshee’ who might have been a harridan as a wife.  A well-bred quiet sort of guy, he still didn't shoot his mouth, but opened himself to dating and meeting other girls again, and gave up the remorse of loss faster than he would have otherwise. A loss that he felt happy about now.

Why must a breakup be ugly I ask you? A relationship that once had love, giving, happiness, sacrifice, (one sided as it may have been in this case) may not be for a lifetime, but really does not have to get ugly and resentful? You may not stay best friends, that might be unrealistic, but it really does not have to get murky and vindictive. Anamika went around like a lunatic badmouthing Harish, posting pictures of herself in bikinis with the new found squeeze to prove a point and only ended up looking shallow and vengeful. 

Speaking badly to or about your ex will only give you a very short lived feeling of misplaced joy.  I’d recommend you observe Omerta- a code of silence that prohibits speaking loosely, or divulging information about each other that was shared in more intimate, vulnerable moments. That is the most important point that I could stress upon to be kept in mind post a break-up.  

Breaking the sacred code of confidence could turn the break up into an ugly war. Observing ‘Omerta’ instead, makes for a fragrant wistful acquaintance with goodwill and shared memories that are happy. I don’t believe it is idealistic to desire a state of healthy distance and good will that comes with observing restraint.

When does a couple part ways? When your relationship problems are difficult to deal with & you know that you will be in a happier state when you are parted. 

The first rule toward an amicable parting is to stay silent rather than saying something hurtful like ‘there are many fish in the sea’. The vicious cycle starts when you dither and don’t make it a clean surgical cut just for a short while. I’d recommend that you don’t linger into a long break-up that creates a neither here nor there situation. Moving on once you have both made-up your mind also means putting each other on a limited profile on Facebook and not obsessively checking each other’s updates. A calm distance is what you might find comforting and amiable.

Give each other time to heal and allow wounds to seal than poke around at the soft raw laceration. And that definitely means not jumping into another relationship or bed because all you are going to do is compare. That would be unfair to you and to the recent date, because he or she is new to the game, new to your habits and new to your needs unlike the special someone who was most acquainted to the tricks and turns of your personality and the cartwheels that please you. 

You must remember that a relationship right after your breakup is almost always a rebound where you are either proving a point to your ex or to yourself, and never for the right reasons.

Endings happen all the time all over the world. Acceptance is the key. The smoother, kinder way, for yourself and your ex is to allow it to be calm, talk and discuss than shout and raise your voice. Once you’ve decided do not allow a ‘maybe’ situation to creep in for your ex-partner nor in your own mind. If it hasn’t worked, chances are it won’t in the future either. One door has to close for another to open. Give it time and breathe.

NISHA JAMVWAL
Nisha is a celebrity columnist and a luxury brand consultant
@nishjamvwal



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