Saturday, September 7, 2013

Anger Management Tricks & How to stay calm!


Several news channels dissected Shahrukh Khans reaction to an intransigent guard at the cricket stadium, and I was asked what I’d felt. It was only then that I sat to analyze anger and temper tantrums and what they have to do with being right or wrong. My take is that Shahrukh was not wrong about his chagrin and protectiveness for his child, but that his scuffle had given an upper hand to some people in the press and publicity hungry people who wanted to feed off his vulnerability and brush with his fame.

An actor known for his philanthropy and intrinsic goodness, is also unfortunately known for his bad temper. Salman khan.  Some episodes include his outbursts at the organizers of the Celebrity Cricket League for  not providing him with proper security while he was attending a cricket match. Another was while shooting for an ad film where he got upset at Shahrukh Khan when requested to redo a scene with a different facial expression, and 


yet another clash was after he saw the wrong picture of his childhood in a slide show presented by a reality show he was involved with. Indeed he might have been wronged, and yes he’d also be justified at being upset, but the moment he unleashed his temper he automatically lost the upper hand and gave the reins of control to those detractors waiting in the wings to pull him down. Let us not forget, that all the good he does, gets shrouded by this fracas. I could go on and on with other incidents by famous people like Saif Ali Khan’s skirmish at Wasabi. It was reported that the actor got into a scuffle in a five star hotel restaurant, punched a man in his face and broke his nose.

The point I’m driving at, is that even if you’re in the right, a temper tantrum and virulent anger cause you to lose your edge in a battle. Not only that, anger that spirals out of control, can have serious repercussions on your health , relationships, and mental peace leading to sleeping problems, eating disorders, depression and compulsive behavior. To get angry when wronged is normal and even healthy. -However when you lose control in unsafe ways with that anger and are unable to deal with it, is when it harms you and those around you. Sometimes with irreversible consequences.  

What then is the smart thing to do?

The age old belief that says ‘better out than in’ is misleading. By venting- you upset yourself and others around further- and reinforce the problem. The smarter thing to do is to immediately count to fifty. Drink some water. Think through the situation and try to distance yourself from the situation. True respect can never be earned by intimidation and being a bully, but instead by working your way through a situation and winning through intellect. Be assertive but polite and speak your mind with a sense of control. Communicate, but with strength and control.

Analyze your triggers and the patterns of your behavior:
 It is only you who can deal with the situation and counsel yourself to be in control. The choice of how you respond is entirely up to you, you are the one in control then- even though you may not always be able to control your environment and situation. Choose never to be verbally or physically abusive, as you will make yourself miserable and guilty. Your tone need not be loud and aggressive, but sure, confident and clear in its message of disapproval. Develop a more constructive way of expressing your annoyance, because that is up to you. What isn’t in your control though, is what happens around you and how other people behave.

Old disappointments, underlying trauma, stress, lack of sleep, low body resources, underlying traumas, encounters, and triggers are often the cause of our anger going out of control:
 ‘Should’, ‘musts’, blaming others,  obsessing about perfection and being rigid also makes us into angry frustrated people. Life and the world is definitely not perfect. And we definitely don’t wish to be unpleasant, odious, crabby people? Anger always starts with an immediate trigger but gets exacerbated due to other past experiences, suppressed experiences and frustrations.

Exercise, breathe, massage your tension points, listen to music, meditate, do yoga, chant, get creative, distract yourself- do whatever it takes, but see the signs of destructive anger before it destroys you and all the special relationships and support systems that make your life worthwhile, leaving you isolated.


Nisha is a celebrity columnist and a luxury brand consultant

Nisha JamVwal's official Twitter page, join her @nishjamvwal

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