Monday, May 28, 2012


Do Choices become narrower with a person growing older? 

Do we have to compromise and settle for the first half-decent person that comes along?

A close friend is constantly compromising on her romantic partner, short-selling herself in relationships and unable to find a steady fit. I realize this is because she is settling for second best, or maybe even third best, concerned at the age factor creeping on her.     
 - That as time goes by the choices may become fewer. So she goes for the first contender who might not be of her standard and it results in a relationship that is inadequate from both angles. 

He on the other hand, finds she is demanding  (because she is used to better), and she is constantly trying to improve him and guide him into being more than he is. Dissatisfaction and inadequacy results from an unequal fit.

If you look at Bollywood, going by even a Salman Khan, he only went from an older Aishwarya Rai to a more eclectic Katrina Kaif, and seems to be going strong with a great female following. One wouldn't exactly say he is without choices? Insecurity and fear bring with them imbalanced behavior  and you end up driving your suitors away. Instead, do what your doing and the right person will just amble into your life, hearth and heart! Sounds idealic? Just try it.....

Choices, I believe, may not become fewer as you grow older. What actually happens is we become more discerning as we grow as individuals and quite obviously we find fewer people who fit the bill. This panics us, and instead of realizing that it’s all about exclusivity we allow the first of the dregs that arrives into our personal space- into our lives.

The meaning of love changes as we grow older and we begin to look for more meaningful outputs from a relationship. Maybe we are not looking for rocks (read diamonds) and handbags and presents, but experiences together, companionship, intellectual stimulation- movies, books, sceneries, travels and time! 

And so while it looks like choices are growing narrower, the truth is we are becoming more discerning, more astute, more eagle eyed! We are no longer engaged with a beefy guy boasting about how many yokels he beat up, and a man as he grows up looses interest in a woman showing off about how many conquests she made and how feverishly she is perused or only how good her legs are. He wants someone he can chat to after a long hard day. 

Now as we grow 'up' and mature we want that fit where we long to be with a person the second he leaves us post a date. Someone we want to hear the voice of nearly always. And do believe me, this is indeed possible. Just have that staying waiting power. 

Shilpa Shetty might have despaired at not finding the man she would tie the knot with until she met Raj Kundra, but when she did find ‘The’ man, not only was she overjoyed that she had waited until the ‘right guy’ had arrived but felt that marrying in her late thirties was  lucky . “I’m way more mature, and when I look back at some of the things I did , or how possessive I have been in relationships I feel it gave me time to be more complete. And to make the right choice. I feel choices don't grow narrower, infact we get wiser to see things in a better perspective. It worked out brilliantly, the wait for the right person.”

My favorite movie character from Kung Fu Panda, Master Shifu,  was not wrong when he said inner peace is the key to solve all problems. The sense of equanimity that comes from self  assurance is what brings you to the realization that it shall all happen when it is meant to. Serendipity does exist, however fantastic it may sound, and you do come by someone with the right fit at the right time. Maybe not on your Venetian holiday as you had expected, sitting by you on the plane, but at the local gym. Who knows?

Spend your time doing things that improve you and don't occupy yourself with the waiting game, instead work at your self. It'll happen when its meant to. Just dont expect that you'll  look like a truck hit you , by letting yourself go, and then the man will unearth the inner you from under oodles of fat and bad skin. The packaging has to be kept in mind  too please!!!

The thing to avoid is to become desperate and compromise in the fear that you are growing older. Or make demands when someone does turn up. -That kills romance. 

You know you are in love when life is full of fascination, the mundane has new appeal, you feel kindly toward most people and are patient when people try your patience, and you’re smiling foolishly at yourself over happy thoughts of your partner and actually smelling the flowers. It makes you feel kind-of foolishly delighted, however old you are. 

I’ve seen so many friends find the right partner and enjoy a long happy relationship that culminates into marriage when they’ve just gone about their lives without making ‘finding’ a man the be all and end all of their lives. Fabulous things come to you when you are least occupied with them.

It’s a wonderful feeling and worth waiting for. And worth NOT compromising for. And worth working for. Worth watching the calories for and worth nourishing your brain for too. 

So let not despondency of age and fewer choices make you despair!

Written for Printed & Published in Asian Age & Deccan Chronicle \
Nisha JamVwal
Tweet Nisha @nishjamvwal


mams said...

Why does the perfect fit only apply to women. The same can applly to men too. As we age, the criteria starts changing to someone beautiful from the outside to someone beautiful from the inside( hoping as you said the packaging remains the same). The risk potential or experimentation appetite does fall but I think there are stages or periods in men's life when the job consumes their utmost i.e late thirties early forties and fities when pressures are the highest and the woman feels neglected but her demands have been elevated by many considerations- kids grown up, extra spending income which changes the lifestyle and the people she meets who put peer pressure to seek even more if not the children. May be the man also has extra opportunities, power and of course the access to more powerful women who impress him. However time constraints limit his options but not perhaps hers as much. In th fifties he is more relaxed and looking forward to some impending big job coming his way or to the exit which may either worry him or just make him totally bindaas. Hence I would say that age makes lots of changes in what amuses the opposite side and there can be no fixed or rigid parameters to say that age will affect women more than they would effect men in their choices of whom will they go in for relationships - to the first one they meet or will they take time. One of the factor is the time spent alone since the last relationship which may have been interspersed with mild flirtations then the pressure will not build over time.Secondly it depends on the average of the persons previous relationships durations - if high would look for the perfect fit else shorter ones can endure make and break switches easily.
Enjoyed reading your blog and hope you put more of them Thanks Nisha

anirban said...


What you wrote is in fact quite true. You wrote from a woman's point of view but its also true from a mans point of view. I am a guy, 30 years of age, still single. When I was in college my idea of gal frnd was someone who "LOOKS SEXY" with whom I can have nice time (from physical point of view). The gals (as per my experience) wanted Attention, Lot of nice talk about how beautiful she is, good gifts and frequent eating out in good ac resturants. But then as college time passed and I suddenly came in the corporate world, I had to struggle every day to meet my targets. As a result I couldnt give time to my gf and the relation broke. I realised then that there was almost no mental connect. Initially its just a win - win COMPROMISE from both ends that takes care of temporary happiness. However, as I grow in stature and as a person today at 30 I realise I don't really feel that if a gal is sexy or not, neither am I really interested in thinking if I can derive any physical pleasure or not...What I really want today is someone with whom I can share my thoughts, problems being faced in office and family. I don't expect a jadu-ka-chari that would solve my problems, but I expect someone who patiently listens to me and supports me..But as you correctly said "Packaging must be OK if not great". However, am still single for last 5 year since I broke up with my ex gal friend. Many a times people say I am growing old...should marry soon...however, I don't want to hurry. Therefore, Its quite true that as you grow with age your thought process changes and its also true that you should wait for the right opportunity rather than forcing an option.


ranjit sharma said...

you are fckng hot.

Anant said...

I was seeing someone 16 yrs elder than me. And trust me it was the best thing that ever happened to me. Still want her back, like mad. Choices narrow down for a man maybe, for a woman i am sure it's better. I will give up anything to be with her. Really.

Jasmeet Thind said...

This is a perfect example of -just the right words and the right thoughts blended together with emotion. I like it.

inder kumawat said...

We are manufacturers of Gem Stone Carvings and Wood Carvings. Our products are Ganesha, Laxmi, Sarswati, Krishna, Radha-Krishna, Shiva, Shiva-lingam, Natraj, Buddha, Animals and Birds, Bowels, Plates, Balls, and Decorative Articles. We have received National Award for the year 2006, National Merit Certificate for the year 2004 and Rajasthan State Award for the year 1986-87.

Rajiv Uppal said...

Excellent article, Nisha. And I being a man, agree wholeheartedly with you that a woman who is growing older and is unmarried should keep evolving as a person instead of getting all restless, worried and nervous about not finding the right man. Enjoy each day of your life to the fullest, no matter what. Be self-confident, don't let the quality of your life suffer, desperately trying to find a match for yourself. The pangs of disappointment can be devastating as you keep meeting the wrong person. Cheers, Nisha ! Love your articles and pics. Regards, Rajiv Uppal.

kittybuddha said...

As always written so beautifully. Very insightful. True love can happen anytime. But also.. I think it need not happen at all. You can be truly in love with life alone or with someone.. loved the 'kung fu panda' character reference haha :)

Leonidas Rueda Rueda said...

Hola Nisha, si hoy en dia se presentan relaciones con bastante diferencia de edad, donde se busca es la satisfacción sexual, muchas veces se terminan esas relaciones por celos, porque el más joven se consigue una pareja de la misma edad.

Bueno en cuanto a la relación entre parejas maduras ya no se busca tanto la belleza fisica sino la belleza interior, el deseo de acompañarse, de compartir el gusto comun por varias cosas.

Yo soy una persona ya cercana a los cincuenta años, he tenido relaciones con mujeres un poco mayor que mi y fueron relaciones muy bonitas, muy placenteras y que duraron cierto tiempo.

Hoy en dia no he tenido un noviazgo, pero si he tenido relaciones con mujeres tanto maduras como jovenes, algunas relaciones han sido por poco tiempo debido a que ha sido en sitios de mi pais donde he trabajado y a los cuales no se ha regresado, son relaciones pasajeras.

Y usted como le ha ido con sus relaciones sentimentales, ademas que usted ha estado en varios paises y estas relacionada con la sociedad de tu pais.

En estos momentos estas sola?, eres una mujer divina, llena de cultura, de nobleza.

Caricias, abrazos y besos

Leonidas Rueda Rueda
Bucaramanga - Colombia

Irshad mohd said...


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