Monday, July 1, 2013

Falling In Love With Your Best Friends Lover

Falling in Love with your best friend's spouse or partner  Is It Possible?

Is it doable? Should one sacrifice one’s friendship at the alter of romance? Should one work at saving the love that is lost to the best friend?

Just yesterday I inaugurated a book, the central theme of which is a girl falling in love with her best friend's boyfriend.
Does this really happen I wondered, I mean, isn't it something that is improbable considering the person who is already taken is someone not worth wasting your time with? When I went deeper into my memory, I realized that this in fact commonplace! It happens all around us all the time.  

The debate that resulted in the audience at the book reading where I released the book was quite something. I was surprised when the debate became very involved with the audience that had come for the book reading vociferously discussing the subject. People shot questions galore on this malady and I had to think on my feet-


Yes, it’s possible that we find what 
doesn't belong to us beguiling and attractive. How many movies are made, with art imitating life- where in a love triangle- the actor lusts after his best friend’s girlfriend? Or a girl lusts after her friend’s boyfriend. It’s a personal opinion, but I’d say no. 

Friendships take much sacrifice, nurture, hard work, and to throw it to the winds for a man who might easily dump you for yet another woman-seeing that he let go of your friend for you- might not be wise. Today he's left her for you, when he had claimed to love her dearly. Tomorrow he'll leave you for greener pastures- is a possibility you will never live without- giving rise to insecurities and complexities in the relationship. 

  • Could it be that an unavailable entity appears more attractive to you because he is the forbidden fruit? 
  • Could it also be that a girl would pursue or be attracted to her friend’s boyfriend because she lacks in self esteem and feels she would display her power by winning an unattainable man?
  •  I’d say these are not real reasons for love, and to create a guilt free relationship that doesn’t start with baggage at the outset, one should go for a man for the right reasons.

A man who dumps a woman for another, because he finds her attractive while he is already in a relationship is also somewhat suspect. Why would he even be open to checking out options if he was committed? 
  • Could it also be that you’re just jealous of your best friend finding great love before you? 
  • You may just be feeling left out and resentful and wanting the greener grass on the other side. 
  • To look at yourself long and hard at the mirror is part of growing up in a balanced way and becoming a likable person, to yourself and to others.

The smart route then is to look elsewhere, keep your friendship with both the best friend and her man. Do not carry guilt-instead acknowledge your feelings to yourself and address them with discipline- realizing the risks and consequences. You don't have to cut your friend and her boy friend out. Instead you have to school your own emotions which might not be love but just a simple crush, easy to get over with. Whatever you do, there is no need to confide in either of them, but dignifiedly direct your affections elsewhere.

Remember, that the easiest way to stop caring for one is to care for another. Stop checking out their facebook updates, being inquisitive and obsessive about their romance, look away and elsewhere. Bring in some space and take time out without breaking your friendships. Become involved with other work and hobbies that occupy you than giving into the feeling of rejection mixed with desire for a romance that is in reality unattainable.

The Bollywood film ‘Cocktail’ is just that, a film!  Seldom would things work out in such a fairy tale euphoria. Saif Khans philandering character is drawn to the simple Diana Penty who not only enjoys the attention of Saif but falls hopelessly in love. We see love triangles around us often, but I’d have to say, without making it sound too simplistic, that it seldom if ever works out. I have seen families being destroyed for irresponsible lust and a raunchy tryst. There is always heartache and eventual disintegration of all relationships involved in the end. And this is even worse when marriages are involved and one falls in love with ones best friend’s husband. With a world full of interesting choices, my take on this is- why go for what should in all integrity and correctness be a ‘no entry’ zone?

Written For & Published By Deccan Chronicle & Asian Age



Anonymous said...


CA Ajay Dhanuka said...

People are specially attracted to "No Entry Zone".... when u have feelings for someone...Rules don't matter at all... You don't think whats right and whats wrong.... Love is Blind and it has no rules........ you can fall in love with anyone...but one should avoid going that way.... Pyaar kiya nahi jata ho jata hain....

Saurabh said...

In that sense one sud never fall for a person who has been in a relationship whether it is with ur best friend or any one else as s/he wud be leaving dat person for u(who he thinks is better) and then one day they will find some one better than u...this is a vicious circle which will keep going on

Simmer Bhatia said...

The message is very well communicated in the article. I totally agree with the writer "Nisha". She definitely touches the right cord and points out realistic issues and consequences of such relations which only cause disasters and are never successful...if the person cannot be loyal to his current partner and if you cannot be loyal to your friend how can the relationship between two such people last...its an illusion. Nisha doesn't encourage some world of superficial laws and fantasies or illusions....and that's what makes her writing go beyond her words...

Nisha JamVwal Roller Coaster Called Life