Monday, April 22, 2013

Choosing Your Friends Smartly- Salman Khan & Govinda are not rare examples & Friendship is not extinct!

Friends are God's way of apologizing to us for our families
Tennessee Williams

A disappointed crony confided in me about her disillusionment with her close friend. “I hadn't allowed myself to see the flaws, assuming that they’ll go away or I convinced myself that they didn't exist. So what does one look for in a good, abiding friend Nisha ? she asked , not wanting to make the same mistake again. "One that doesn't become a liability, but is a source of succor and joy?” she said. That set me thinking!
 To me, living in the world of Luxury, the media and the Glamour set I must admit that I have often felt like the victim of agenda. I feel like a great target for upwardly mobile wannabe’s with agendas as well as publicity hungry sharks. 

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I realized some time ago that I must be forever careful and prefer to fly solo than be patsy to the steady flow of social climbers in ambitious times. 

So yes, I will share some golden principles of how to choose good friends, and yes they have worked for me. As I sit by the window with a close friend, laughing about very inane things, sharing holiday vignettes, I have to say yes, I've known some fabulous friendships over the years. I must admit I used to find male friends more uncomplicated and straight up, but now , must be a sign of maturity, I've even got great , enriching female friends!!!

  •  The first rule is- no friends with agenda’s for me. Always put up your antennae and try to glean right at the start when you still have your objectivity intact, when a friend may have some hidden motive for your friendship. It is always more rewarding to have friends who fulfill you with conversation, company and a few laughs than someone being nice to extract something out of you or use you to meet other people you are connected with.

  • That automatically means that I also try to avoid friends from a similar line of work where there would be a conflict of interest.               
Two Bollywood actors  who started out as great friends and starred in many films together - Priety Zinta and Rani Mukherji- today post a fall out have an undeclared war of sorts. Their relationship turned sour in the process of perusing the same career goals in the world of Indian cinema, and this was also noticed by Karan Johar who used them together in ‘Kabhi Alvida Naa Kehna’ channelizing their emotions effectively.  

Director Satish Kaushik and Pankaj Kapur were good friends and co-anchors on a TV show where they kept the audience in splits with their unique brand of humour. But illustrating my trepidations of too close a friendship in the work place, they fell out.

Govinda and Salman Khan, Karan Johar and Shah Rukh are exceptions, they work together, have a great bond, and actually benefit each other by being close friends, enjoying the work experience together, travel together and if they have spats, they iron them out with a healthy pow-wow and move on. A pow-wow is after all a natural occurrence in any close bond.
  • Often a regard for similar values makes for a good friendship. This way you don't end up judging each other, because you are on the same page to start with. 
  • Although having expectations is not conducive to the best in friendships, there does need to be the feeling of  support, as the saying goes, a friend in need. You do want to know that its not all about the laughs and good times, that you have some one to go to when the world looks like its crashing around you. And which of us don't have that feeling some time or other.
  • Shared moments  of laughter are special, so for me, it works to have a friend with a sense of humor, a person I can laugh with and where I can be me. 

  • I gravitate toward friends with that non-judgmental acceptance of me for the great feeling of comfort this factor provides. A kind of happy bonhomie where you're left to be whom you are and even loved for it. 

Nisha JamVwal 
  • Since cheerful company is always preferable, and it is a no-brainer that you must avoid negative persons, try to avoid the self appointed role of agony aunt. If a friend needs you, of course be there, provide a shoulder or a kerchief for the occasional tear. And on your part, try not to choose to be a one-man NGO  looking to alleviate man's lot.

Friendships, like all relationships, need to be nurtured. Often people get married, and in the absorbing newness of the experience, let the stars of friendship grow distant in the matrimonial earth-moon orbit. But this often results in over dependence -with this foresight one understands and values the enrichment that  friends  bring to a fuller life. 

Tread gingerly, evaluate carefully, take your time about becoming intimate, and yes, you can reap the rewards of an enriching friendship that lasts a lifetime. Dive in hurriedly, and it may not always be a smooth ride , and worst of all may end with a resounding thud! 

written for & published by Asian Age & Deccan Chronicle 


Reena Gupta said...

There is no formula for finding a friend, unfortunately. Despite our antennae being up we often befriend people most unlike us. While I agree with your thoughts Nisha, I say leave it to higher powers that throw us in others' paths & allow yourself to be open to different friendly experiences with different people. Instictively we gravitate towards the right people & cool off with those who have agendas! Enjoyed reading your points of view.

kittybuddha said...

Lovely words. Well, what can I say? We live in different worlds. You're 'out there' and I'm cocooned in my imagination... But I know one thing... Friendship is when you resonate with the other person. Sometimes even the most beautiful 'hello' from people could be 'hollow'... And the most 'hollow' silence between two people can be the sweetest 'hello'... Hope that made sense... Your words sure did :)

Saurabh said...

Friends r the only relation which we make on our own and is not thursted upon us by society!!! Though I hv felt dat if we give time, we automatically get to know the gooD and the bad ones... I like helping others and do dat widout any expectations... And this work in friendship too!!!

Nice thoughtful article as always!!!

Lucifer's Passion said...

I really liked your perspective in the article. And i think its true that in a lot of cases a friendship is motivated by an agenda. The problem with most people is the 'I' factor where they measure a friendship by its commercial benefits.


@Reena Gupta, reena, so agree. However , its important to also be aware and awake, and not sleepwalk into relationships. We are so vigilant with a man woman equation, and yet while befriending friends we tend to overlook issues?
@kittybuddha, haha , its all the same, your world my world its one world, but yes, I agree chemistry plays a very big role, when things take a life of their own. @saurabh thank you for your words, well said, @lucifer's passion, glad you enjoyed my perspective. It comes from years of being there and going through some rough friendships

@neenathakkar said...

Nisha like your thoughts on avoiding friends with agenda,non judgmental acceptance in friendship def gives grt comfort level...some friends are blessings & some lessons

Blogspot Superman said...

I loved the way you wrote it and the depth of the emotions involved in this article are really wonderful. I really love you. Will read it once again!

swapnil said...

lovley dear..nice

Aradhna Sethi said...

Well thought Nisha. Friendships can start in an instant or be realized in time - any which way - nurturing, caring and sharing only go to strengthen the bond. But it's hard to really know understand some people - those, then, should be kept away or at the periphery.
Lucky to have some good friends by my side! :)

Niharika Agarwal said...

Friends are the only relation in which we are trust to each other.................

Nisha JamVwal Roller Coaster Called Life