Solving That Battle & Making your Relationship Work By Nisha JamVwal
There was a major learning for me this week, that only a couple in a marriage can work things out for themselves. In my zealousness I had felt protective about the closer spouse from among a couple. Only later did I realize that taking sides and ‘helping’, however well meant, can topple the apple cart and fan already tenuous flames.
After all they chose each other and must have to contend with the problems to work it themselves. Advice and counsel from the outside, if it is biased or one sided can only exacerbate the problem.
So then how does a marriage that is going through some rapids work itself?
My answer to that is that both have to make an effort.
Only a professional counsellor or then committed , cool headed , co-operative conversation to understand and solve issues can work it. And just like you are kind and friendly to the rest of the world, where people would not tolerate tantrums and bad behaviour, one must be agreeable and work forward with a spouse. Raking an unpleasant past where your spouse might have been unreasonable is hara-kiri. Better to just overlook, guide your spouse about what might work and move forward. In a lifetime together one is bound to have screwed up often enough. Try to focus on the good things and even write them down to help you along.
I seriously believe ‘sorry’ is not a bad word. I know of people who think of it as a mark of failing. No. It does not make you the weaker, infact it makes you the bigger and more gracious person. And if you are the recipient of the apology be gracious in your acceptance than using it as an opportunity to go into a tirade of how wrong the person offering the apology was. An opportunity to make the person feel small and squish your partner.
One-upmanship has no place in a relationship. To gain brownie points prove that you are right all the time and lower the self esteem of your spouse so that they become into cowered low-self esteem yes men is not what you want. Imagine having a terrorized spouse who is afraid to be the individual you loved in the first place?
To manipulate a relationship and terrorize a spouse with your greater ability to shout, be obnoxious and sulk does not make you the necessarily attractive person. It just makes you the control freak that squelches your spouse. Creating fear with a vitriolic tongue and being unpleasant is the worst worst worst thing for any relationship.
In a marriage instead of making the partner a punching bag to expend a 'bad day' rage have a pact to make the evening diffusion of the day’s angst. Bathe to wash off the day. Wear celebratory togs, unwind with wine and head for your favourite restaurant. Converse over non personal issues. The day's news you may find an excellent opener. Mighty scams are unfolding. Equally mighty names are rolling in mire over scandals of sex, Lucre ( so filthy, gasp!) terrorism, gangsterism, tornadoes, tsunamis and the pending end of the world in a year, collisions of astronomical nature that you end up quite cheerful that there are others having their troubles too. And having poured out the emotional over-charge you set to have a happy evening over your soul-satisfying culinary choices. Never underestimate the food comfort factor, served in choice ambience. But seriously, remember your courtship daze, when a bad day could evaporate into nothingness in the blissful anticipation (meagre moments even,) of meeting your beloved.
Nisha JamVwal firstname.lastname@example.org
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