Solving That Battle & Making your Relationship Work By Nisha JamVwal
There was a major learning for me this week, that only a couple in a marriage can work things out for themselves. In my zealousness I had felt protective about the closer spouse from among a couple. Only later did I realize that taking sides and ‘helping’, however well meant, can topple the apple cart and fan already tenuous flames.
After all they chose each other and must have to contend with the problems to work it themselves. Advice and counsel from the outside, if it is biased or one sided can only exacerbate the problem.
So then how does a marriage that is going through some rapids work itself?
My answer to that is that both have to make an effort.
Only a professional counsellor or then committed , cool headed , co-operative conversation to understand and solve issues can work it. And just like you are kind and friendly to the rest of the world, where people would not tolerate tantrums and bad behaviour, one must be agreeable and work forward with a spouse. Raking an unpleasant past where your spouse might have been unreasonable is hara-kiri. Better to just overlook, guide your spouse about what might work and move forward. In a lifetime together one is bound to have screwed up often enough. Try to focus on the good things and even write them down to help you along.
I seriously believe ‘sorry’ is not a bad word. I know of people who think of it as a mark of failing. No. It does not make you the weaker, infact it makes you the bigger and more gracious person. And if you are the recipient of the apology be gracious in your acceptance than using it as an opportunity to go into a tirade of how wrong the person offering the apology was. An opportunity to make the person feel small and squish your partner.
One-upmanship has no place in a relationship. To gain brownie points prove that you are right all the time and lower the self esteem of your spouse so that they become into cowered low-self esteem yes men is not what you want. Imagine having a terrorized spouse who is afraid to be the individual you loved in the first place?
To manipulate a relationship and terrorize a spouse with your greater ability to shout, be obnoxious and sulk does not make you the necessarily attractive person. It just makes you the control freak that squelches your spouse. Creating fear with a vitriolic tongue and being unpleasant is the worst worst worst thing for any relationship.
In a marriage instead of making the partner a punching bag to expend a 'bad day' rage have a pact to make the evening diffusion of the day’s angst. Bathe to wash off the day. Wear celebratory togs, unwind with wine and head for your favourite restaurant. Converse over non personal issues. The day's news you may find an excellent opener. Mighty scams are unfolding. Equally mighty names are rolling in mire over scandals of sex, Lucre ( so filthy, gasp!) terrorism, gangsterism, tornadoes, tsunamis and the pending end of the world in a year, collisions of astronomical nature that you end up quite cheerful that there are others having their troubles too. And having poured out the emotional over-charge you set to have a happy evening over your soul-satisfying culinary choices. Never underestimate the food comfort factor, served in choice ambience. But seriously, remember your courtship daze, when a bad day could evaporate into nothingness in the blissful anticipation (meagre moments even,) of meeting your beloved. 
A succinct and focussed write, counsellor! No yin withoug yang, no yang without yin:) Yes,just as the two find their own balance in the complement of the other, so too its best if a married couple balance out their tango with each other:)
ReplyDeleteDear Shail, You are so articulate and I am happy you've enjoyed this read, ha ha yes maybe I should counsel as a night job?
ReplyDeleteLife unfurls and with it we see our interactions and relationships with greater clarity that we did not understand to start with?
Absolutely! life unfurls a certain clarity itself,in all its scattered pieces..one by one the jigsaw comes into place.Its a real boon if one grows together with their spouse,its fun to have done things wrong, and laughed at our own anecdotes..and as we ripen, the jest is understood in its right perspective..:)Sadly, there are some who dont turn out so lucky, especially in the absence of a friendly and sincere guide..we, as the beatles would say, all need a little help from our friends to get by..so , yes, i think you could help a lot of people out there Nisha, go for it:) cheers.
ReplyDeleteactually companions sometimes are there for longer and some are there for a shorter time, we have to look at each experience in life as an experience for growth and metamorphoses. Life itself is transient so one cannot cling to any one situation.
ReplyDeleteWell said.Havent we viewed a rowing team? some work furiously at the oars, whilst others rest.then they switch. The zen too have a term: Zazen- not all the mystics are doing anything visible to ascend in a spiritual flight:)
ReplyDeleteThe Upanishads tell us,In the beginning, there was the one in absolute transcendence. He was lonely, and thought may i be two, may i be many..and Tatasthu( so it is) that the manifest world came into being.If the purpose of such manifestation was to know ItSELF better,so too, each manifest soul yearns to know its transcendence , once again.and so i fully appreciate your infusion of the transience of life and growth into this post.so fulfilling!Each experience and relationship actually always helps us grow.One shouldnt cling, but under the huge big sky, there's provision for lifetime friendhips too..i say this especially because of being an admirer and imbiber of Shiva.And shiva parvati are the patrons of relationship extending beyond even the transient life itself:) cheers!!
I have been separated from my wife and 45 month old son for more than 2 years.Ironically she walked out because I got beaten blue and black without any provocation by her violently SCHIZOPHRENIC elder brother.Just because I chided her after coming back,she walked out,locking my defensless parents from outside when I was not at home!Subsequently despite the best of efforts I am not being allowed to either talk(on phone)or meet my son.Suggestion that we both go to a professional counsellor,was summarily rejected.So Nisha,what does one do in such a peculiar situation.When I got just one instance to converse with my beloved wife,her incorrigible Dad needlessly joined in,uninvited!But I quite liked your suggestions but then in my case I am helpless.My email id is wildwitty@gmail.com
ReplyDelete@JOY I am shocked and perturbed to hear of your unreasonable wife and family ostracizing you in this manner. I do believe the laws are very partial to women and women often take advantage of this.
ReplyDelete@ Joy, I am writing a blog to address your concern!
ReplyDeletehttp://nishajamvwal.blogspot.com/2011/09/exploitative-women-in-situation-of.html For You Joy
ReplyDeleteDo consult a Divorce Lawyer, I'd highly recommend Mrunalini Deshmukh or Mridula Kadam, both good strong women.