Thursday, July 21, 2011

Being Friends After Parting Ways By Nisha JamVwal


Tabloid has it that Deepika Padukone, when asked who she would rate higher, if she had to, a beau or her father, answered it would be her father. At least she's sure he's there for keeps. A sign of the times wouldn’t you say? Relationships these days seem to come with an increasing factor of transience and fragility. 

What I'm ruminating on  then, is whether breakups can be about 'parting as friends' or, even if  initially  acrimonious can, at some future,  outgrow the raw  hurt, resentment, betrayal, pain and the blame gambit, to remember the good and for the sake of that, find a semblance of friendship? 

After all, there has been a span of togetherness closer than friendship.   Bonding at a variety of emotional levels. Having shared so much together, logically one would expect so. 

But often the outcome is lastingly vitriolic. 

The question is should one advocate an endeavour towards amicability? Is it even possible?
I know for sure that without personal attack, lingering on and augmenting misunderstanding, with exercising restraint and maturity -it is indeed possible. It is not simple, such things being highly individual, but it is do-able.

It is difficult to be just friends with high octane passion that has passed just a short while ago. And you might be in love still when you realize that it’s more constructive to move on with life without each other. 

So I’d say the best way is that you restrain aggression and personal attack that will damage forever your memory in the persons mind. I don't agree that arrow like words must be shot to pierce each other’s hearts. Incompatibility and individualism, that led to break up, does not mean you take what was sacred to the gutter.

Low self-esteem, rejection, stress and depression are already side effects of break up that often plague the aftermath, so why pile on the tough times with argumentative abuse and bad mouthing each other to a smirking audience? It is true that you do hold the power to inflict pain upon the person you will often always care about, but it will also make you into a ghoulish memory in their mind by upstaging the brilliance that was once a delightful romance.

I’d recommend ensuring that there is no way to make it work before the decision to quit. Once that is a surety, discuss and try to work-out the exit route together without disrespect. Discuss and decide what your common standpoint will be.

Always together talk through the reasons with honesty and clarity and if things are getting very difficult have a third person present. It is quite unnecessary to create a list of all the things you hated about the person, the mistakes they made or the behaviour you loathed, because she or he will soon not be yours to reform. So let your partner go with a semblance of lingering fragrant memory of the joie de vivre that you shared.

The ‘Let's take a break’ route is a complete no-no; it is an escape route that is avoidable. I’d always say don't waste time, rebuild and rework your life route alone. Without false hope and waiting for a future that shall not be.

Nisha JamVwal
For Asian Age
Tweet Nisha @nishjamvwal

& Deccan Chronicle 


Anonymous said...

Well said
Its nice that you can educate us as to how we can help keep it calm

MuMuGB said...

I love this post Nisha! So true! Sometimes during a break-up people become completely mad. Let's just be civilised...If we can!
Oh, and don't worry, we will still be staying in London and I hope I will see you soon. I miss you!
In the meantime, do not hesitate to visit me on 40blogSpot

Nisha JamVwal Roller Coaster Called Life