Breathe, Live, Laugh a Little More
It is my personal experience, to
continue with a friendship or relationship with a negative person - who either
blames you, is aggressive at the rise of any miscommunication, cannot control
themselves when excited or agitated and is generally quick to misunderstand
than make an effort to understand- is a losing proposition. Contrary to your wishful belief, time, kids, maturity does not heal or improve manipulative aggression.
With a slew of only
good friendships and equations behind me, I find it hard to cut off a
friendship chord easily even when a relationship is not going positively. Part
of me always works at it to salvage it, thinking it a challenge in working
things and not copping out. But the smarter way to unclutter life is to weed
out these ‘toxic relationships’. Just like you edit your wardrobe and storage,
with every year of growing older, you need to edit life fearlessly in order to
become lighter and free up time for life investing pursuits.
So what are toxic relationships and how do you identify one? You definitely don’t want to give up on a friendship that might be encountering minor hiccups in long innings. There are bound to be some ups and hormonal downs, minor rapids are ok in long term friendships- but when but you are constantly explaining yourself, or you feel depleted every time you spend moments with your friend or partner; when you feel like you're defending yourself or justifying yourself too often; when there is that sense of losing who you are in trying to change too much for a friend or partner, then it’s time to re-look at the equation and gear to move out and away. I just did!!!
One has to realize that a friend or a lover is not an ‘asset’ but a part of life and of
shared experiences which must be happy fulfilling ones, for the most part. When
it is no longer about mutual caring, upping the game in terms of growth and
learning with each other, or becoming better individuals then let go. Grow into
a better equation in a relationship, but to fit into your friend or partner's
version of whom you should be is not how it should be.
When a friend looks
for reasons to catch you out or blame you, when it is no longer about finding
reasons to laugh and share but about catching-out each other; when you find
that more often than not a friend is fussy, resentful, exacting, critical and
complaining, have the courage to let go.
Letting go is not easy, especially
when you're a committed friend or lover. You reproach yourself at giving up.
You feel a lacuna before it’s even happened. You feel you will lose out and
feel that sense of fear. I've realized over time that there is nothing wrong
with admitting to yourself that that relationship is done with and you should
be moving on big time.
Today I let go of a sour bitter girl
whose general peevishness I’d overlooked very consciously- always making
excuses for her in my mind! – It’s PMS I would tell myself. She's dieting too hard, maybe
I should have called her earlier- shes moody- and other such escapist excuses for not
taking a stand and walking out.
A few hours before penning down this article I
finally took the plunge and told her where she gets off. I walked out and away
at her last tantrum today, decided upon closing that door forever. As I arrived
up into the locker room of the gym, a sunny warm friend walked in. The timing
was prophetic- it was like the universe telling me that my decision should have
been made a year ago than drag it out with vindications and the desire and hope
to work it.
Two things became clear to me at this landmark moment- firstly the well-known saying is true, that if you don't close one door another doesn't
open.
Secondly, there are so many lovely people out there and we just have
to be picky and choosy about whom we invite into our hearth and homes. It
is common to err, given the plethora of choice around, but then correct your
mistake before making long term investments into relationships. Because that’s what they are. Friendships and relationships involve time, effort, and investment.
Don't castigate yourself if it's not a first. It's okay to have break-ups and make mistakes. It's your life and life is a learning curve. Don't be apologetic and ashamed. In my opinion, life is a series of learnings, like school, we grow and learn with troubles more than with celebrations, isn't it? Cut yourself some slack, be kind to yourself just as you are to your family, your kids, your staff. Its time to be a little forgiving to you as well!
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