Suchitra Krishnamoorthi on love, life, divorce, sex and infidelity

When Life Has Other Plans

In Conversation with Suchitra Krishnamoorti

By

Nisha JamVwal 

Sometimes dreams don't realize in the happily ever after way that you had imagined

When you drove away into the sunset you hadn't imagined the real texture of life. It can grate yes. I know all about it. You come out of it all feeling short changed, shocked and disoriented. You get up in the night with palpitations and anxiety attack, wondering how it all went wrong. 

Which of us hasn’t faced disappointment, hurt and loneliness? Feeling short changed. And yet nearly no one actually owns up to real world ‘embarrassing’ feelings of anti-climatic disenchantment.

In her book Suchitra speaks candidly about her life and lack of sex, and how it drove her to depression. She tells of her desire to get married and her urge for some physical love from a man, sans which, life can be most unexciting even for a woman. What led to all this?............

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Cheating, Infidelity & After

Is a human being meant to be monogamous or is polygamy the natural way that man was to be? 

“'Infidel' is a term of reproach, which people, in their modesty, agree to apply to those who differ from them” Thomas Henry Huxley

What is infidelity? 

Was a human being intended to be with one person in a relationship 'until death do us apart'? 

Is infidelity an aberration or should the spouse just look the other way and move forward pretending like they didn't know , should a partner indulge in some attention toward the opposite sex ? 

Should a partner  look at a few dalliances and a sexual tryst outside of their sacred bond as a breakdown of the relationship or as a once off, twice off diversion that should not be given cognizance? Is it normal to be in other ‘friendships’ in a relationship that spans a lifetime?

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Complexities Of Mother Daughter Love Hate Relationships

Everything mother said might have been true. I should not have freaked every time my boyfriend had looked, spoken, breathed toward another girl. Yes I definitely looked better with black eyeliner. And true, journalism and writing was my forte. But it was how she said it that probably made me buck and want to do the exact opposite. 


A little anecdote- I remember giving my mother a Nancy Friday book on mother daughter relationships at the young age of 10 hoping she'd pick up some tips on mothering!!! (So much for presumptiousness!!!!!!)


From the other side of the fence today, I see my friends struggling with their daughters, challenge and spat-ing with their mums and unable to deal with the barrage of ‘feedback’ meted out to them.

Oscar film ‘Black Swan’ it was that set me thinking about obsessive mothers commonly known as the helicopter mothers that mastermind their children's every move, living their frustrated and thwarted dreams through their children, imposing and obsessing over their every move and achievement that the mother had failed to achieve. 
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Older Women seek younger Lovers.......Aishwarya Bachchan, Madonna, Anjali Tendulkar, Farah Khan's happily ever after!

Older woman seek younger guy relationships!
Younger Man Older Woman Romances, do they work?
@nishjamvwal

Demi More at forty two may have been the poster girl for the older woman younger man (Ashton was twenty seven) syndrome in relationships, and while it didn't turn out successful the bug is catching fire all over the world. 

One-sixth of women in their fifty's, date men  in their forty's and thirty’s and  almost one-third of women between ages 40 and 69 are dating  the more flexible younger men who draw them probably because of that sense of adventure of the more spontaneous, younger men? 

And this equation seems to be working- Aishwarya Rai at 37 is older than Abhishek Bachchan, and Anjali Tendulkar at 44 is much older than her famous cricketer husband Sachin Tendulkar. 

Behind the unleashing of cougars in pop culture is what a growing number of sociologists say is a real demographic shift. In India I think young men these days 'go' for older woman because the 'virginity' bogey has quite evaporated. Situations such as this only  truly happen when one is not looking for it, since the mind was programmed along conventional lines. And then forbidden fruit is always tempting. 

When Bollywood actor Saif married Amrita Singh,  a certain behavior was treated as unacceptable. Over time, views became more liberal and it became acceptable to people. 

But most of all i think it begins as a casual idea of a 'thrill' or challenge  on both sides, untrammeled by the need for commitments of  permanency until things by their own momentum get too deep & intense.

The Journal of Couple and Relationship Therapy, reports that couples don't care about 
the gap , only the outside world does. It states that the men are more strongly drawn to to older women because of their sexual expertise, lack of inhibition and after all the idea of a woman who is sexually knowledgeable and passionate is very attractive to a man who gets more hesitant interactions and conditional sexual access from younger women.. 


The Young Sex Drive
Research shows that these women often display formidable sexual prowess and younger men are drawn by the promise of what they have to offer between the sheets. What starts with a physical attraction turns into something intense with the appeal of that confident, assured air about older women.  She doesn't need constant assurance about how she looks, or doesn't require you to stroke her ego. 

Older women tend to bring a wealth of experience with them, both in matters of the head and heart and expectations of a relationship tend to be less complicated, more focused on the emotions and comfort of being together. 

They've been-there-done-that, and can sometimes offer valuable advice to a younger beau on how to conduct himself socially and also in a difficult work situation, or even a career move.

  So do these relationships work? While psycho-analysts do seem to be speaking in favor of this shift,   

I can vouch for the success of those I have witnessed. Unless there is an agenda like monetary reasons a man latches onto a more successful woman older by few years, it is successful more often than not. 

The thing is , any relationship, even a friendship based on agendas and selfishness is bound to crumble, age or no age difference.


 My friend Sonali went  into a younger man  trepidation- "He is a model, he is so attractive..." ten years down they are happy as ever, married with a son. 

The film 'Prime' was a great story of how it works and why! Jehangir the Moughul,  the famous Egyptian queen Cleopatra- annals if examined present many examples of successful older women who make an interested and interesting match with a younger lover.

Nisha JamVwal

Printed in & For Deccan Chronicle & Asian Age

Vidya Balan's 'Dirty Picture' Her Sex Appeal Is Her Real'ness'

'Finding The Real Me' Vidya Balan

That Defining Moment when you Awaken Yourself

No one can doubt that Vidya Balan has arrived as an actor, an individual, a personna! -
One that we notice and whose movies we'll look out for! An opinion maker of sorts!
 
In an age of frenetic consciousness of size, grooming, appearance, self consciousness, the Joans'es and luxury brands, the gutsy girl next door Vidya Balan has left all the hoity-toity pretentious madams donning Gucci & Prada behind and won every award for her natural look, heaven may care extra pounds on her hip but most of all her endearing straight from the heart performances in films like 'Kahani' and ‘The Dirty Picture’. 

How Did She Do It?


The aplomb and abandon with which she essayed her roles left a moving impression so that I was thinking of her performances and her angst way after I  walked out of the multiplexs. Especially 'Dirty Picture' , where shades of the real Vidya, the sparkling yet propah lady I know, in the gutsy ambitious rambunctious Silk came through. Silk chose to go it her way in a judgmental  opinionated world. Only when she stops to think of the world that judges her does she falter. Vidya too has chosen to go with her gumptious decision to work with her sense of conviction.
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Laughing Her Way To Success

Years ago when she was waiting her turn to audition for a role, she overheard some glamorous girls laughing about the ‘behenji’ Vidya who dared to dream of working a film with her in it.

Along the way of somewhat success, those words stayed with her, coupled with some press criticizing her dress sense. It rankled. In ones relationship with oneself, one is sometimes torn between ones idea of self and what one appears to the outer world.

“I tried to conform, and made a great effort to wear dresses and be a person that I was intrinsically not. Until the discomfort brought with it the realization that we really don't need to be whom we are not. I decided to be the person I really am, and my dress sense is only symbolic to this realization.” 

Wake Up Moment


This moment is described by psychologists as the sign of trying to "wake up", causing both visible and hidden conflict and subsequent change in ones relationship with oneself. “From that day on I wore mostly saari’s and it reflected in my performances and my outlook. I began to see a change in my work and my critics were quietened. Its not about western or Indian, it’s about the fact that treading the beaten path is not a surety of success. It’s about enjoying what I’m doing. From within there was a shift to not do what is the accepted norm. I was being told that the Saari is an older dress while I find it timeless and ageless. There was almost a resurgence and reaffirmation of myself from that point, the ‘ I me and myself’ burst forth stronger than ever.”

Self realization is the awakening within us of the awareness of the goodness and the gifts of

who we really are, unique and different to all around us. It awakens one to the goodness and to the gifts and to the possibilities that are in the world, and it fosters a sense of self worth. Contrary to the adverse criticisms and hits we take as we grow up, the baggage we carry from unwarranted criticism and unasked advise. Approval should first be sought from within to feel that inimitable sense of self worth.

“I chose to do what I believe in......

whether its clothes or roles I am doing what is giving me joy. Vis Silk, the character from Dirty Picture, for me as an actor its very important to believe that such people exist. Any character one has to empathise with drawing from personal experiences and then essay the role. When I read the script what struck me was that she was celebrating her individuality, was unapologetic about her self. Judgement of other people doesn’t matter. 


When Silk fell prey to what people saw her as, it was the beginning of her downfall. For me throwing out debilitating judgement and negative criticism was my awakening.”

“I’d attribute my success to that faith in myself. I feel unconditionally loved by my family. They have always allowed me to live life on my own terms, to be myself without judgement and overdosed criticism, giving me faith in myself. I feel unconditionally loved. That's were it comes from and that's what allows me to filter out the negative. I also have much faith in God.”

Nisha JamVwal

Published & Printed in Asian Age & Deccan Chronicle

Old Pals & Their Everlasting Magic!

Sashaying down the curvy stairwell at my champagne cocktail for Zoya Delhi, over a Ballet evening, all bouffant-ed in a Karl Lagerfeld gown styled by Yogi Sharma of Ministry of Fashion- Emporio, I was trepidations. I was meeting school and college friends after years. Hosting a champagne cocktail in Delhi also means a walk down memory lane. I am surrounded by friends who look the same from high school and college, and yet I feel so different. I remember an introverted and brooding girl, that was me. So different to the exuberant person that people see today. Those I grew up with
are the mirror to my metamorphosis. 
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Runaway Marriage, Secret Confidences & Life With Kim Sharma

Kim's Marriage Into A Different Culture Different Country Different Situation

Kim Sharma came to the Bollywood scene with a lot of expectations, scandal, speculation and curiosity about her. And then 'boom' she was married all of a sudden. No one knew to whom, when and why so suddenly. What followed was a  lot of speculation about Kim Sharma’s sudden marriage, not all of it charitable. 

What many don't realize is that marriage is a tenuous decision as it is, and then to drop all comfort zones, start a new life in a new country with a man from a different faith all on an instinctive gut feel  may make it even more concerning for a first time bride. Especially if she’s a recognized face with a Bollywood past that has been difficult. Surviving in the Hindi film milieu is not easy and Kim was making a leap of faith. There is then bound to be more gossip and scrutiny and pressure.

So it was that when Kim Sharma eloped , she choose to just keep it understated and see for herself how things would pan out with a decision that was impulsive and based on love but not necessarily practicality.

What Do You Do When You Love Someone & They Don't Love You Back

Jim Carrey’s latest film, ‘Mr Poppers Penguins’ has his adolescent daughter asking her father, “what do you do when you love someone and they don't love you back?” The question became even more relevant when a few readers of this column wrote in and asked me the same question. The obvious answer that jumps into mind is many fish in the sea! You move on and preoccupy yourself with more important issues like work and life and come back to the drawing board when something more reciprocated finds its way into your life than belabour an equation is a non starter?

‘Love is not enough. It must be the foundation, the cornerstone - but not the complete structure.’ 

Sushmita Sen Talks To Nisha JamVwal on Love, Romance, Marriage & Kids

SINGLE & LOVING IT
She's one woman who so aptly exemplifies 'Bold and Beautiful'.















The warmth and exuberance that Sush exudes is infectious, and real. She's one of the most unpretentious star's I've met, and you might have noticed I don't use the word 'star' for just anyone who is an actor. To me an actor is an actor is an actor! Doing a job and earning a living. A bigger paycheck maybe, but fame and fortune is transient and erratic. Warmth and goodness are not common attributes in the artificial world of acting out roles! Sush, a star all the way, brings out a genuine affection, a desire to know what has kept a real woman in an artificial world so warm, loving and genuine?                                          


Most often the one thing a bachelor girl who wants to go it alone misses is a child. I find out, in our tete-a-tete I find that Sush found the all-round fab answer which allowed her not to cling to the first eligible that came her way, and here she is a successful, independent woman living life as a strong , living by her own rules, glamorous persona- the vibrant Sushmita Sen! Lives life on her own terms and a four-letter word to the world. 

She is the poster girl for today’s thinking, achieving woman- and the not so hi profile  want to know what it is to take the big step toward adoption, does it change life for the better, and what does it take  to go her way. 

Is it even possible to live life with the challenges that she must face on a personal level, because it can’t have been an easy decision. Taking on adoption of two girls without the conventional male support-how did she asses all this in life's weighing scale and what of the need of a psychological father figure? What guidelines would she give? While the world sees a rosy picture augmented by the glossies I’ve always wondered what are the challenges Sushmita encounters?  Would growing up children not miss the peer group conventional ‘dad’? Even condemn the unconventional in their young naïveté' and judgemental way?

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Mandira shares her experiences on having babies & post Partum Blues

HAVING BABIES & LIFE AFTER BABIES

You thought you’d be the happiest person in the world when you had a baby, one of the most important and awaited events in your life. You fantasised about this moment since you got married, or maybe even since your teenage years? So why are you so down and upset often? You are not alone! More than eighty percent women suffer mood disturbances after  pregnancy  ("postpartum"). 

Long Distance Relationships

Living Apart & Loving Apart


The weather, the  location, the language , the skin color might be different , but underneath it all , we share similar emotions. I am in Valencia, Spain. Carlos has parted with his girlfriend in Rio. “It was the distance that did us in” he admits melancholically.

I too had to deal with a long distance relationship once, and it is a challenge. Once insecurity and jealousy kick in- composure is a distant dream. However hard you try  you do have misgivings and may loose confidence in your partner occasionally with the miles between you. 

Nagging for attention By Nisha JamVwal

Another night at dinner alone, and every time Natasha brings up this topic, her husband Zain, already on a short fuse with piles of work, ambitions and stress snaps and feels she’s just adding to his already full and pouring plate of “issues”.
The suggestion that they go to the movies and dinner meets with a look like she was suggesting he take her to Tahiti.


Just this morning she messaged me saying he just wasn’t the man she’d married. The one who’d made her feel like the cynosure of his universe, made her feel sexy, on top of the world.


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The Grand Indian Wedding- Shah Rukh Khan Unplugged Part II

The Grand Indian Wedding Scene with Pinky & Sanjay Reddy; 

Hyderabad

The Cavalcade moved forward...........

Can you conceive of an Indian wedding without the essential Bollywood brigade?  

The evening belonged to SRK!

Whoever may be your favourite Khan on screen, in person Shah Rukh holds you captive all the way to his impromptu classic Shah Rukh Khan fare, charming everyone with his artless , exuberant shenanigans. 


This one man show of humour , emotion , dance , drama and charisma while including the family and guests in it all- unfurls not only the love story of the couple that is to tie the knot the next evening - but also the two infrastructure giants who are to give their children away in marriage. 


I am amazed as I recognize the very sedate  bridegroom’s father performing with abandon the ‘Sajdah’. 

Exploitative Women In A Situation Of Bitter Divorce

DON'T USE THE LAW TO EXPLOIT THAT ESTRANGED SPOUSE, AFTER ALL YOU ONCE LOVED HIM/HER

In a response to my blog, a man named Joy recently wrote of terrible atrocities meted out to him by his ex wife, asking for advise. 


I was shocked and disturbed to read of his peril but also did not find it at all odd nor out of the ordinary. Often , and with greater regularity I see today that men are ridden rough shod over by women who manipulate the law to garner sympathy and 'run away' with wealth and property , that is not their entitlement calling it stree dhan or even maintenance. Or then with the children , using them as bargaining tools to negotiate more money and property.

The Grand Hydrabad Wedding- PART I- Karan Johar & Rani Mukherjee Judge The Sangeet

Destination weddings to exotic game reserves and beaches, birthday 
merrymaking on islands, anniversary revelry with guests flown down to Switzerland,  girlie pyjama parties on luxury Boats . India’s going ultra luxe.