Do Choices become narrower with a person growing older?
Do we have to compromise and settle for the first half-decent person that comes along?
A close friend is
constantly compromising on her romantic partner, short-selling herself in
relationships and unable to find a steady fit. I realize this is because she is settling for second best, or maybe even third best, concerned at the age factor creeping on her.
- That as time goes by
the choices may become fewer. So she goes for the first contender who might not be
of her standard and it results in a relationship that is inadequate from both
angles.
He on the other hand, finds she is demanding (because she is used to better), and she is constantly
trying to improve him and guide him into being more than he is. Dissatisfaction
and inadequacy results from an unequal fit.
If you look at Bollywood, going by even a Salman Khan, he only went from an older Aishwarya Rai to a more eclectic Katrina Kaif, and seems to be going strong with a great female following. One wouldn't exactly say he is without choices? Insecurity and fear bring with them imbalanced behavior and you end up driving your suitors away. Instead, do what your doing and the right person will just amble into your life, hearth and heart! Sounds idealic? Just try it.....
Choices, I believe, may
not become fewer as you grow older. What actually happens is we become more
discerning as we grow as individuals and quite obviously we find fewer people who
fit the bill. This panics us, and instead of realizing that it’s all about
exclusivity we allow the first of the dregs that arrives into our personal
space- into our lives.
The meaning of love
changes as we grow older and we begin to look for more meaningful outputs from
a relationship. Maybe we are not looking for rocks (read diamonds) and handbags
and presents, but experiences together, companionship, intellectual stimulation- movies, books, sceneries, travels and time!
And so while it looks like choices are growing narrower, the truth is we are
becoming more discerning, more astute, more eagle eyed! We are no longer engaged with a beefy guy boasting
about how many yokels he beat up, and a man as he grows up looses interest in a woman showing
off about how many conquests she made and how feverishly she is perused or only how good her legs are. He wants someone he can chat to after a long hard day.
Now as we grow 'up' and mature we
want that fit where we long to be with a person the second he leaves us post a
date. Someone we want to hear the voice of nearly always. And do believe me, this is indeed
possible. Just have that staying waiting power.
Shilpa Shetty might have despaired at not finding the man she would tie the knot with until she met Raj Kundra, but when she did find ‘The’ man, not only was she overjoyed that she had waited until the ‘right guy’ had arrived but felt that marrying in her late thirties was lucky . “I’m way more mature, and when I look back at some of the things I did , or how possessive I have been in relationships I feel it gave me time to be more complete. And to make the right choice. I feel choices don't grow narrower, infact we get wiser to see things in a better perspective. It worked out brilliantly, the wait for the right person.”
My favorite movie character from Kung Fu Panda, Master Shifu, was
not wrong when he said inner peace is the key to solve all problems. The sense
of equanimity that comes from self
assurance is what brings you to the realization that it shall all happen
when it is meant to. Serendipity does exist, however fantastic it may sound,
and you do come by someone with the right fit at the right time. Maybe not on your Venetian holiday as you had expected, sitting by you on the plane, but at the local gym. Who knows?
Spend your
time doing things that improve you and don't occupy yourself with the waiting
game, instead work at your self. It'll happen when its meant to. Just dont expect that you'll look like a truck hit you , by letting yourself go, and then the man will unearth the inner you from under oodles of fat and bad skin. The packaging has to be kept in mind too please!!!
The thing to avoid is to become
desperate and compromise in the fear that you are growing older. Or make demands when someone does turn up. -That kills
romance.
You know you are in love when life is full of fascination, the mundane
has new appeal, you feel kindly toward most people and are patient when people
try your patience, and you’re smiling foolishly at yourself over happy thoughts
of your partner and actually smelling the flowers. It makes you feel kind-of
foolishly delighted, however old you are.
I’ve seen so many friends find the
right partner and enjoy a long happy relationship that culminates into marriage
when they’ve just gone about their lives without making ‘finding’ a man the be
all and end all of their lives. Fabulous things come to you when you are least
occupied with them.
It’s a wonderful feeling
and worth waiting for. And worth NOT compromising for. And worth working for.
Worth watching the calories for and worth nourishing your brain for too.
So let not despondency of age and fewer
choices make you despair!
Written for Printed & Published in Asian Age &
Deccan Chronicle \
Nisha JamVwal
A mother daughter is a
tenuous relationship as it is, but when they work together it can be a tight
rope walk I’m guessing. And so when I walked the ramp for Neeta Lulla’s Marriot
show I was pleasantly surprised to see Nishika and Neeta Lulla’s bon-homos,
back slapping rapport with each other, so seamless and happy- it was a delight
to my surprised eyes.
